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Blakey Locks the Degenerate Gambling Intern Betting Guide: NFL Week Six

Hello, friends. *extremely Jim Nance voice* I am Blakey Locks, the Degenerate Gambling Intern, and I will be your guide this fall. Every weekend I am going to traverse you through the trials and tribulations of betting your mortgage on a weekend of football. From the New England Patriots to the Northern Arizona Lumberjacks, I will give you the knowledge necessary to conquer your bookie and feed your children. We will win together, lose together and laugh together. Let’s ride.

NFL Week Six

Another Sunday of NFL football. What a glorious feeling. There’s no worse feeling than waking up on a Sunday morning super hungover and checking your balance with your bookie and realizing you owe a lot more than you can afford. But then everything corrects itself. The Red Zone countdown begins and you get the soothing voice of Scott Hanson or Andrew Siciliano through your TV (I’m a Siciliano guy forever) and everything is right in the world. You check to make sure all of your bets are in for the day and maybe add some extra 1H action to compensate for the night before, then you’re ready to go. Well, there’s still one thing missing from that morning recovery, and that is the comforting words of one Blakey Locks. So please, enjoy.

The “They Definitely Knew the Spread” Game of Week Four

Chiefs defeat the Jaguars, improve to 5-0.

Chiefs 30
Jaguars 14 F pic.twitter.com/QMxOU1rGgc

— Arrowhead Pride (@ArrowheadPride) October 7, 2018

Sometimes it’s a little too convenient when a team covers a spread or hits a total late in the game. Whether it’s kicking a late field goal to cover instead of going for it on fourth down or going for two to push the total over, something fishy is going on. All I’m saying is coaches and players must bet too.

This is going to be renamed the “Blake Bortles is Fixing Games Game of the Week.” If you recall, last week the BOAT handed it off to TJ Yeldon on fourth and goal rather than kick a field goal even though the game was already over. That late Jags touchdown pushed their game against the Jets o40.5. It was suspicious for sure, but since I was on the right side of the number I didn’t pay it too much attention. Well folks, Bortles is at it again and this time I was on the wrong side of the number so I will not let this one slide. This week the total was set at 48. The score was 30-14 and the Jags got the ball with about a minute to go. Down two touchdowns with a minute left was an insurmountable deficit, even for the BOAT.

Still 5 points away from going over it looked like my cause was all but lost. Then the BOAT started to do BOAT things. He started dunking the ball all the way down the field and making a late charge for the Chiefs’ end zone. The beautiful son of a bitch was going to do it again. He was on the over again and he was going to make sure he was at least getting his cash if he was leaving Arrowhead with a loss. But it turned out I was wrong. Bortles threw a late pick in the Chiefs’ end zone that would have been the touchdown that pushed us over. He got all the way down the field then realized there was no chance of winning the game. He then did what he needed to do and threw the ball right into the hands of Orlando Scandrick.

Blake, I hope you’re happy at home with your cashed under ticket because this Blake is still upset.

“Teaser? I Hardly Even Know Her!” Dad Joke Teaser of the Week

This game may be the greatest teaser ruiner of all time, all time pic.twitter.com/5NX9qUSyMW

— Big Cat (@BarstoolBigCat) September 24, 2018

Sometimes you are pretty sure about a bet but want to play it safe. The only move is to fire up a good ole fashioned teaser. And when your friend tells you about their teaser, the only response is “teaser? I hardly even know her!” Remember that one kids.

The Packers were two points away from covering our teaser last week. Just a shameful performance against the Lions to rob us of our hard earned money. The only thing I could do afterward was pound some liquor (LIQUOR? I hardly even… sorry I’ll stop).
We’re going with another 3-team six-pointer this week. We were so close last week and this week we have the one.
Part 1: Chargers +7 @ Cleveland
The Chargers got us a big win in last week’s teaser and I’m going back to the well again. I hate going against Baker but I don’t know if the Browns are capable of winning two games in a row. But I will say that I have a fridge full of Bud Light in my house that I’m busting open if they do. However, I’m positive the Browns cannot blow anybody out. Win, lose, or tie (literally) every Browns game this season has been decided by four points or less.
Part 2: Steelers +7.5 @ Cincinatti
I am inadvertently going after the state of Ohio in this teaser, but that almost makes me more comfortable. The Bengals can’t keep winning forever. No matter how good they look now they will finish the season 10-6 and lose in the first round of the playoffs. The Steelers will at least score enough to keep this close.
Part 3: Rams -1 @ Denver
This one is pretty simple. The Rams are really fucking good. The Broncos lost to the Jets last week and they’ve been traveling back and forth from Denver to the east coast the last four weeks. The Rams are going to win this one, but playing in Denver is always tough so let’s tease that number down to 1 and win this teaser.

Underdog Money Line of the Week

Sunday is going to be 🔥🔥🔥@PatrickMahomes5 & the unbeaten @Chiefs visit Brady & the @Patriots on #SNF! pic.twitter.com/wQz2sQ46QH

— SNF on NBC (@SNFonNBC) October 8, 2018

For the average fan, the parity week in and week out is one of the best parts of the NFL. For the average degenerate, it is the absolute worst part. One week a team sucks the next week they’re amazing. The Lions lost to the Jets by double digits and beat the Patriots by double digits within four weeks, it just doesn’t make sense. However, it also creates spots to cash in big underdog money lines. 

This week’s NFL slate has a ton of super close spreads so it’s hard to find a money line bet with good value. There are only four games with a spread of more than 4 and I don’t trust any of these teams to win outright. The only real value comes from one of the only two undefeated teams left in the NFL. The Chiefs have been awesome this year. I know the Patriots in Foxborough are absurdly good. But if you recall, Alex Smith took the Chiefs and beat the Pats in Foxborough Week One last season. I’m not saying the Chiefs are a sure-fire lock, but if you can get the undefeated, #1 offense in the NFL at a +160 value you take it.

The Slate

Extremely Bill Belichick answer right here. pic.twitter.com/HtaA2gt6Lo

— NFL on ESPN (@ESPNNFL) October 11, 2018

The fun is over. Time for the “Mountains Are Blue Ice Cold Locks” for Sunday. This does not include any of the games already discussed. You know where I stand on all of those games.

Jets (-2) vs. the Colts- Sam Darnold was awesome again last week. We’ve seen flashes of Sam be great, but have yet to see consistency. I think we finally get it and the Jets defense stops that nerd Andrew Luck.

Seattle (-2.5) @ the Raiders- Poor Jon Gruden. He did get a win against the Browns but I don’t know if he’ll get another one all year. The Seahawks defense is really bad but I don’t know if Russell Wilson will allow them to keep losing.

Falcons (-3) vs. the Bucs- This might be a trap line because this seems like the easiest bet of all time. I know the Falcons are really bad but admittedly they have played a pretty tough schedule. FitzMagic is dead and it’s time for the Bucs to be as shitty as we all thought they’d be.

Jacksonville (-3) @ the Cowboys- The Jags offense switches off which weeks they want to play. They beat the Patriots then played like trash the next week, then trounced the Jets and played like shit against the Chiefs last week. That means we’re due for a Blake “Busch Light” Bortles heater this week. Just remember not to touch Jags totals because they’re rigged.

Packers (-9.5) vs. Seattle- This is a bounce-back spot for Aaron Rodgers. At home on Monday Night Football against CJ Beathard, I think the Packers win by a million. As long as Aaron Rodgers doesn’t disintegrate mid game I feel great about this one.

Rant of the Week

Fantasy bad beat story: I needed 1 more catch by Antonio Brown in a PPR league. Sigh. Gonna lose by 1 point.

— Aaron Schatz 🏈 (@FO_ASchatz) September 25, 2018

Every degenerate needs to let off some steam once in a while. I do it here. If you need a place to do it Tweet me @BlakeKrass and I may feature you on a future Rant of the Week. (This is a repost of last week’s rant because I am now seeing it in even more prevalence and apparently people are not getting the queue).

My Rant of the Week is something that NEEDS to be discussed. It is pointed directly at fantasy football obsessors. I play fantasy with a group of friends from high school and a group of friends from college. It’s something to do during the week while in class or at work but always takes a backseat to where your money is at on Sundays. If you play Daily Fantasy that is a different story. You’re looking to cash out hard just like the other degenerates. But I have gotten to the tipping point of people telling me about their fantasy team. NOBODY CARES! I do a lot of research on bad beats for this guide and the college football guide. One thing I’ve learned is that a lot of people are posting the final scores of their fantasy matchups and calling it a bad beat?? What are you talking about dude? 1. Nobody gives a shit you lost in fantasy and 2. that’s literally just not the definition of a bad beat.

Play fantasy as much as you want and enjoy yourself doing it. But on the weekend when the DFS and full slate bettors are focused on trying to not have to pawn off their fiancee’s engagement ring, please keep the fact that you need Julio Jones to score a touchdown to yourself. Newsflash: he won’t.

That’s all for me this weekend, folks. If you have any complaints about my losing picks, bad beats, or general degeneracy you need a safe space for, follow me @BlakeKrass and let’s vent.

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