Hello, friends. *extremely Jim Nance voice* I am Blakey Locks, the Degenerate Gambling Intern, and I will be your guide this fall. Every weekend I am going to traverse you through the trials and tribulations of betting your mortgage on a weekend of football. From the New England Patriots to the Northern Arizona Lumberjacks, I will give you the knowledge necessary to conquer your bookie and feed your children. We will win together, lose together and laugh together. Let’s ride.
College Football Week 12
This is getting really depressing. College football season is by far my favorite time of the year and we only have two weekends left in the regular season. To make matters worse, this weekend’s slate is probably the worst of the season. A lot of FCS matchups are on the horizon and there are only single digit teams still in playoff contention. However, a couple of those teams with playoff hopes could take a loss and get knocked out of contention. Hopefully we get some kind of madness out of this dull weekend. If not we’re just going to have to get really drunk and go full on live bullets betting on some real degenerate lines (who am I kidding we’re gonna do that anyways).
Bad Beat of Week 11
Every week I will be bringing you the worst beat of the previous weekend. These are one of the few bets that you actually played perfectly, but you still got your heart ripped out at the last second. Weekly Reminder: You losing your fantasy matchup is not a bad beat.
Good god this might be the bad beat of the year in CFB. SHOCKINGLY, ya boy Blakey Locks was on the right side of it. I had Arkansas +13 and it was a much needed win last Saturday so as far as the result I have no complaints. But what I do want to discuss is the Todd Gurley Curse. I have blogged about this before and you can read my full fleshed out thoughts on it here. But to sum it up, Todd Gurley giving up on his team and the entire city of Los Angeles has cursed the Rams (1-1 outright and 0-2 ATS since the incident), cursed the city of Los Angeles (devastating wild fires), and ruined football as we know it. These poor kids like Nick Brossette look up to Todd Gurley and want to be just like him when they get to the league. Unfortunately, Todd has set this disgusting example of just giving up on football teams. And to be clear, this vendetta is not over the fact that I lost my Rams and over bet that week. I’m standing up for the game of football as we know it.
Girlfriend Game of the Week
My girlfriend watches almost no football. She knows nothing about any teams. Luckily gambling is all about raw instinct. It’s a gamble after all. Every week I am going to ask her out of the blue who is going to win a certain game. There’s a good chance these picks win at a higher percentage than mine. (3-1)
We had another big winner last week which pushes her record to 3-1. This proves a straight 50/50 guess is more profitable then all of the time and effort I put into these games. Love it. This week we’re looking at the B1G battle betweeen NW and Minnesota.
There you have it. Some guy my girlfriend probably hooked up with in high school, who is probably way bigger than me, is the deciding factor here. Go Northwestern I guess…
The fun is over. It’s time to get down to business. You naturally want to bet the games you’re going to watch. So, I have the “Mountains are Blue Ice Cold Locks” for the featured games of the weekend right here.
Cincinnati @ UCF (-7) o/u 60.5
UCF is getting their pity GameDay visit from ESPN on this shitty CFB weekend. I have made my thoughts on UCF very clear in the past. In that light, I am shamelessly going to copy and paste my rant from the UCF/Memphis game five weeks ago and plug in Cincy for Memphis.
(The rant is referencing this tweet).
This guy is everything that is wrong with society. I am so fucking tired of UCF fans. I NEED them to lose a game so they can’t claim they should be in the college football playoff this year. They are a borderline Top 10 team, maybe top 15. If they played in the SEC, Big 10 or even Big 12 they would have two losses by now. It was funny to troll Alabama fans for a couple weeks after the National Championship, but raising banners?? Having a parade?? These people that are still claiming UCF as the actual National Champions are HEATHENS. This man says “Bama isn’t all that”??? Have you watched football ever in your life? God, I need UCF to lose and on their cupcake schedule, Cincy is our last hope.
Hopefully playing these FRAUDS has Cincy motivated to go out there and win. Then they’re automatically National Champions for beating UCF, right?? With Cincy playing for a shot at a National Title, they must be motivated, so I’ll take the Bearcats, please.
P.S. Five weeks later and the “Bama isn’t all that” and “they will be exposed” takes do not look great.
Cincinnati National Champions Lock of the Week: Cincy +7, o60.5
Iowa State @ Texas (-3) o/u 46.5
If you haven’t heard, Texas HC Tom Herman is a little distracted off the field right now. Zach Smith went scorched earth on Twitter earlier this week. Basically he aired out Tom Herman saying that he witnessed (which is very weird) Tom Herman get jerked off at an Asian massage parlor. He also claimed that Herman cheated on his wife with a recruiter from another school. What school do you ask?
Iowa State, folks. If I know college football, then I KNOW that Iowa State will be bringing that recruiting girl to stand on the sidelines directly opposite from Tom Herman on the Iowa State sideline. Herman will not be able to handle having the mistress and the wife in the stadium at the same time. He’s crying all over the place, kissing his players, and getting happy endings. No chance he is focused in on this game. Also, fading Texas as a favorite is consistent money.
Notre Dame vs. Syracuse (+10) o/u 65.5- @ Yankees Stadium
There are three major keys to this game.
- That pep talk from Stephen A??? How could you bet against that? Syracuse will definitely not be smoking any weed, I’ll tell you that much. Nobody gets you juiced up like Stephen A.
- Notre Dame will choke because they always do. They will blow this chance at a playoff because that’s Notre Dame football.
- The uniforms. Notre Dame might have the grossest uniforms in the history of sports.
Not only are they hideous, but the combination of Notre Dame and the Yankees makes me want to vomit. Might as well throw a Cowboys star on the chest while you’re at it.
Whether it be college basketball games on aircraft carriers or college football games at a baseball stadium, weird shit happens when you play games where they are not meant to be played. Syracuse is ripe for the upset. I just pray that nobody starts a “Yankees (—)” chant doesn’t somehow breakout or Peter Gammons might just implode.
Manti Te’o Imaginary Girlfriend Lock of the Century: Syracuse +10
This guide is meant to be fun, but if you came here for picks I will indulge you. Here are the locks of the week outside the Marquee Matchups.
Wake Forest +7 vs. Pitt
Nebraska +1.5 vs. Michigan State
The Citadel +52 @ Bama (!!!!!!)
UVA +5 @ GT
Colgate +11 @ Army
Arizona +10.5 @ Washington State
Air Force @ Wyoming u41.5
P.S. If you want all of my picks and to hear more of my terrible opinions and embarrassing stories then subscribe to my podcast here. https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/longshot-locks-episode-2-cfb-week-12-mega-preview/id1440550176?i=1000423962109&mt=2