Hello, friends. *extremely Jim Nance voice* I am Blakey Locks, the Degenerate Gambling Intern, and I will be your guide this fall. Every weekend I am going to traverse you through the trials and tribulations of betting your mortgage on a weekend of football. From the New England Patriots to the Northern Arizona Lumberjacks, I will give you the knowledge necessary to conquer your bookie and feed your children. We will win together, lose together and laugh together. Let’s ride.
College Football Week Seven
The arrival of Week Seven means that we are officially in the second half of the college football season. There are only maybe ten teams that still have a legitimate shot at the college football playoff and there are two matchups this weekend that each contain two of those teams. As the weeks go on it usually becomes more clear who will get to lose to Alabama in the College Football Playoff, but this season it is becoming more obscure as the weeks go by. Is Texas back? Can anybody beat Bama? Are UCF National Champion believers the most insufferable people on the internet? I have all the answers below. Let’s have a great weekend and make some money.
Bad Beat of Week Six
Every week I will be bringing you the worst beat of the previous weekend. These are one of the few bets that you actually played perfectly, but you still got your heart ripped out at the last second.
The worst beat of Week Six is brought to you by the good folks at Clemson University. The school that finds a way to ruin everything has now also ruined my wallet. Last week, Clemson traveled to Winston-Salem to take on Wake Forest. The spread was -20.5 and the total was set at 61. I was really uncomfortable with this game. Wake Forest is not very good, but with all of the uncertainty at QB for Clemson, I decided the under was probably a safe play. “Clemson’s defense is still really good and they won’t be able to score a ton of points if Trevor Lawrence is healthy,” my dumb brain thought. Well, I was right about one of the two.
Wake Forest only scored THREE points. As embarrassing as that was it looked like it would basically guarantee my under. Well, until Clemson really started to run up the score. It was 56-3 and Clemson got the ball with about a minute to go. Any score would push it over, but it looked like Clemson was just going to run it a couple times, get a first down, then kneel out the clock. Well on 3rd & 5 from their own 48-yard line Clemson handed it off to do just that… except the run busted through for a 52-yard touchdown. If they would’ve gotten any sort of first down they would’ve just kneeled out the clock. If they would’ve gotten stopped they would have punted and it’s safe to say Wake Forest could not score against them. But instead, Wake Forest allowed Clemson to bust out the UGEEE touchdown run and crush my under. Having that type of beat going into the night slate is just absolutely soul crushing. As your 3:30 bets are winding down and your sure-fire winner falls like that, it makes it impossible to enjoy the night games.
Degenerate of the Week
To nominate yourself or a friend for Degen of the Week, Tweet or DM submissions to me @BlakeKrass on Twitter.
This week’s Degen of the Week comes from my own friend group. I have a GroupMe called “Degenerate Nation” with my fellow degenerate friends. It’s a safe space for degenerates to be degenerates without fear of judgment. And this Sunday I saw something appalling that I’ve never seen in my life: a one-team teaser. Now I know this was an NFL bet, but the Degenerate of the Week does not discriminate against any race, religion, creed, or sport. A degenerate is a degenerate is a degenerate, no matter what, especially when they do this.
It’s been almost a week and I am still in shock. A one-team teaser??? What would ever cause a man to do such a thing? Taking a single bet at -460 odds??? I wouldn’t lay that type of juice if the bet was for the fucking sun to rise in the morning. Just a level of degeneracy unknown to mankind. BUT, with all that being said, it was a winner. So for the second week in a row, our Degen of the Week was idiotic but came home with cash in their pocket. No hate here. Oh yeah and for those that may not know, this is how that game ended.
It took a Graham Gano miracle kick to salvage our DOTW but salvaged he was. Looks like it was another winning week for the degenerates. Suck it, nerds.
The fun is over. It’s time to get down to business. You naturally want to bet the games you’re going to watch. So, I have the “Mountains are Blue Ice Cold Locks” for the featured games of the weekend right here.
You may think it’s all shits and giggles in these previews, but between all picks, we went 6-4 last week. This guide will not only bring you laughs but also add a little padding to your wallet, guaranteed.*
#7 Washington @ #17 Oregon (+3.5) o/u 57.5
Oregon delivered me the worst beat of the season so far. My keyboard is lucky I was not writing for BC when that game happened because it would have received an absolute beat down on the Bad Beat of the Week after that game. Having a 99% chance to win the game at TWO separate times in the fourth quarter and still losing is hard to comprehend. But guess what, Oregon? I’m ready to be hurt again. I love the Ducks in this spot. Washington is a really good team but they have no fire or passion. They have struggled to grind out wins against bad teams and I don’t like them going to Eugene. But what is the real difference in this game you ask? I have the answer for you.
The uniforms you buffoons!!! It’s a big game, two ranked teams, two stud QBs, so what differentiates the two teams? Phil Knight’s billions, that’s what. There’s something about Oregon, at home, in their swaggiest of uniforms that just gives them that extra edge.
Don’t Cut Your Nike Socks Lock of the Week: Oregon +3.5
#10 UCF @ Memphis (+4.5) o/u 80
Alright, I have a little rant. If you’re a UCF maybe you should just skip this one.
This guy is everything that is wrong with society. I am so fucking tired of UCF fans. I NEED them to lose a game so they can’t claim they should be in the college football playoff this year. They are a borderline Top 10 team, maybe top 15. If they played in the SEC, Big 10 or even Big 12 they would have two losses by now. It was funny to troll Alabama fans for a couple weeks after the National Championship, but raising banners?? Having a parade?? These people that are still claiming UCF as the actual National Champions are HEATHENS. This man says “Bama isn’t all that”??? Have you watched football ever in your life? God, I need UCF to lose and on their cupcake schedule, Memphis at home might be the best bet.
Hopefully playing these FRAUDS has Memphis motivated to go out there and win. Then they’re automatically National Champions for beating UCF, right?? So with a good Memphis team, at home, playing for a shot at a National Title, I’ll take the Tigers, please.
P.S. A total over 80 points is why college football is so much better than the NFL. You have to take the over in this game if you’re not a total coward.
Jim Rome HOT FRAUDS Lock of the Decade: Memphis +4.5
#15 Wisconsin @ #12 Michigan (-9.5) o/u 49
The stats Wisconsin throws out in that video pretty much seals this one for me. I’m sure if I would have gone to Michigan’s Twitter they would have had some similar stats that would convince me to go the other way, but the gambling gods whispered in my ear to search Wisconsin Football on Twitter and they brought me to that pick so I will not dispute it. But I was actually thinking Wisconsin in this game anyways. They’re going to just run the ball a thousand times and play good defense so it will be hard for Michigan to blow them out. Both teams might still control their own destiny. Both teams took an early loss, but if they can win out and win the Big 10 Championship Game then they almost have to be in the playoff.
The X-Factor in this one is Jim Harbaugh. I love Jim Harbaugh as a football guy, but it is bad gambling juju to side with Jim Harbaugh. There is a reason he is featured at the top of the Degenerate of the Week section of this blog every week. It’s to protest against his communist beliefs.
Well, Jim, I have bad news. We are gambling and we are avoiding YOU like the plague.
Jim Harbaugh Hates Gambling So Never Gamble On Him Bet of the Millenium: Wisconsin +9.5
NEW SEGMENT ALERT
NEW SEGMENT ALERT
Girlfriend Game of the Week
My girlfriend watches almost no football. She knows nothing about any teams. Luckily gambling is all about raw instinct. It’s a gamble after all. Every week I am going to ask her out of the blue who is going to win a certain game. There’s a good chance these picks win at a higher percentage than mine.
There you have it, folks! This one is pretty cut and dry.
Girlfriend Game Lock of the Week: Virginia +6
Locks of the Week
This guide is meant to be fun, but if you came here for picks I will indulge you. Here are the locks of the week outside the Marquee Matchups.
Virginia Tech (-5.5) @ UNC
Michigan State (+14) @ Penn State
Baylor (+14) @ Texas
Pitt (+21) @ Notre Dame
WVU (-6.5) @ Iowa State
UGA (-7) @ LSU
Buffalo (-11) vs. Akron
Underdog ML Parlay of the Week: Oregon +130, Wisconsin +270 (+751)
Best of luck this weekend my degenerate brethren. Make sure you check out the NFL Week Six Betting Guide to try to make back your Saturday losses.
Remember, the only way to lose in gambling is to quit.